radiation__high

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:38:35 GMT

if there is one challenge that i face most often, it is finding a balance. i'm always trying to find a balance in both my mind and with my friends.

sometimes i fuck up. and sometimes i just can't please everyone.

i really feel as if with many people my friendship with them is just me attempting to maintain peace. i'm always the one that has to maintain peace. i'm always the one driving everyone, making the initiatives, making the plans, talking to everyone.

i mean i guess i dont mind. i guess actually i like it, but it's stressful always being the one doing all of the work. and when my work fails, im the one with the blunt end of the reprocussions.

ashley doesn't want to be my friend anymore, and that's a really painful reality. she's been lying to me, telling me half truths. we were best friends. we were so close. it's shitty.

and megan kujowski thinks i'm a hoe. apparently she's got some very strong feelings about it because it seems that everytime i hear her name, i hear "lisa" and "whore" along with it. just because i hit the ground running doesnt make me a whore. i'd actually like to think that i am far from it.

and i really haven't seen much of trina.

i feel like i alienate myself from my friends sometimes. am i judgemental?

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:02:20 GMT

My life, day to day.

I wake up at 8:50. Hit the snooze twice and consider myself on time if I’m out of bed by 9:06.

I walk to the bus. Sometimes the Puerto Rican man on the corner is out on his porch, drinking a beer. I smile and say “goodmorning” and he winks, asking “how you doin’ sweetie?” he’s tall, rough and handsome, in a really weird way. I think I’d like to be his friend.

Then I pass Almatrahir.

The clerk and I exchange greetings. Usually I don’t know what he’s saying, and I make a pathetic attempt to pretend I understand him, but he likes me anyway.

I take the bus to class.

There was this woman over the summer that I ran into a few times. She’d ask me for a “couple of dollars? in the name of jesus?” and I honestly never had anything on me so I’d have to say no. It was obvious that she had some kind of addiction. Her teeth were always grinding and her face always sweating. Now I see her on the bus sometimes holding an orange reflective vest. It’s cute and I’m happy that she’s got a job now. For some reason I feel a very strong connection with her. I stare at everyone on the bus but I’m the worst with her.

There are a few women that give me a very strong maternal feeling. One of my favorites is a woman that comes into Boston Market and gets family meals. We talked once for a little bit and we got along really well, and I kind of wanted her to take me home with her and feed me dinner.

Somehow I just got the feeling that I’m cheating on my mom for admiring these other women.

I got to stop smoking so much weed.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 05:50:34 GMT

i've been feeling pretty unhappy lately.

i've been trying to deal with myself and shitty trouble with friends at the same time.

so i've been turning against myself. i'm always looking in the mirror, in photos, and critisizing what i see. i consider myself repulsive. i feel like i am an eyesore. i don't know how my roomates put up with seeing me in that stupid pink robe everyday. with my stupid hair and my stupid face and my stupid voice. ugh.

my stupid mannerisms. i'm sick of being the idiot at work. i'm a fucking idiot.

i'm feeling pretty bad lately and i dont really know what to do about it.

i know i need to talk to somebody but... ugh.

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 03:39:01 GMT

i am so fucking bored.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:38:34 GMT

2:30 am:
it’s late, and i should be sleeping. my body is exausted and sore but my mind is still awake. the past two nights i’ve gone to bed as the sun was coming up, and i’ve probabably gotten no more than 10 hours of sleep since friday.

early friday morning we left buffalo for new york city. at first candyball seemed a little lame, but the acid was kick butt and it ended up being pretty cool. for most of the time i had no idea what was going on. i've got a million awesome pictures that will be posted.

the second night, halloween, we attended a rainy parade in manhattan. our group fractured and i ended up seeing very little of the parade. instead we went bar hopping and i got ridiculously drunk. i slept over at eric’s and had the best sex of my life.

my car got broken into, i lost my credit card (still not sure if those two are related), and spent a fuck load of money, but i had an awesome weekend. halloween is officially becoming one of my favorite holidays.

now i need to sleep like i've never slept before.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:05:47 GMT

the world is so much easier when drunk.

i bought my first deuce at almatrahi tonight.

and life is perfect.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 07:17:46 GMT

i've been meaning to write, the but internet has been down. i think i'm over my writers block. i'm back at the point where all i ever want to do is write. when i'm on break at work i write on napkins. when i'm at class i can't focus because i've got my laptop with me, and i'm writing. it feels great.

what else? oh i'm going to study abroad in australia next fall. i'm dead ass serious about it and talking to someone about it tomorrow to get all my papers and make sure that they can do something for my major. thats the only thing i'm scared off. but if that works out, i'll be living in melbourne australia. i can't even describe how happy i'll be if i do this.

today was a pretty cool day. the house has been hovering about 54 degrees but today it got up to 58. when i was changing into my pj's tonight i noticed that i was wearing four layers. erinn smoked me up on some dmt (thanks hunbuns) and we had a lovely time at the park. and the rest of my day (fueled by half a cup of coffee) i worked on my halloween costume.

i've got so much to look forward to right now. there's so much i've got to do.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:37:05 GMT

everything is shit.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 20:33:18 GMT

this weekend has been AMAZING =)

honestly, i've been blissfully content.

but why does brooklyn have to be so far away?

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:22:56 GMT

i'm sitting in the fish tank room (which, surprisingly, actually has a fish nowadays), feeling lonely and emotional, which is normal since i've been drinking.

two of my professors asked me to write about the g20. so i sat down to do so and stalled. i started halfway through, and only got about a paragraph in before giving up. writing non fiction isnt supposed to be so difficult for a writing major, is it?

what do i do if i find out now that writing is just not my thing?

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 03:45:16 GMT

ask me now and i'd say "good, very good"

and i swear the depression is completely unrelated...

but DAMN i've been so depressed.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:53:56 GMT

dear lisa,

you've been waking up hung over (and this morning, naked?????) for the past four days. please, chill out for a little bit. apologies to your liver, believe it or not, will NOT prevent damages.

love, lisa.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 01:55:44 GMT

besides not being able to shit and REALLY missing tucker,
i like my new place on west ferry

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 03:46:40 GMT

dear lisa,

you've been drinking to the point of intoxication (mostly alone) for about seven days now. please stop harming your liver.

love, yourself.

together we have boobies

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 03:36:55 GMT

its been a long time, but i think i can pick up where i left off.

the weekend with my sister turned out to be one of the best weekends of my summer. nick, mike and i went. we went gorge diving and slid down waterfalls, got drunk, smoked weed, saw the commons, went to a dairy farm, and overall had an awesome time.

i went back one more time, this time with anthony and ashley to help my sister move. since then i feel as if all i've been doing is moving. the following day we went to buffalo to see my new place and start moving things in. i think that erin is going to be a real hard roomate to live with again, but i figure that as long as i have my own room i'll be fine. i love my new place. its huge. everything is right down the street and i can see canada from the balcony. i'm starting to get sick of rochester, and feel as if summer has gone long enough, so im moving back on wednesday. i'm so fucking excited.

i dont really remember what happened in between, but this week megan flew in, and dad flew out, and its been busy as hell. my sisters and i cleaned out the attic and had our first garage sale ever. we only made 95 bucks but at least we can see the attic floor.

nick left for pittsburgh, which is totally gay. three days in and i'm already missing that nigger like its my job.

i've spent a lot of time with family, probably too much time now that i think of it. my moms family has been around a lot. my dads been pissed off a lot. but i guess i cant blame him.

anthony fucked a lot of stuff up when i had him over for a joint birthday party two days after my dad left. i havent spoken to him since, besides telling him that he owes my brother money for the dented hood. my brothers been real sweet lately. he let me have a party and played laura at beerpong. its cool, considering how i always manage to fuck up. he didnt even get pissed when the cops came =p

anyway since then i've been packing and doing a lot of writing. it recently occured to me that i havent even started working on my portfolio.

oh well. i've got to finish this thirty pack in my fridge sometime soon. since i've aquired these beers i havent had to smoke every night. i'm not sure which i like doing better.

i had an incredibly mind opening experience the other night with ryan and ashley. we were parked in nicks moms driveway and about five cops (or maybe one cop five times) drove past us within half an hour. it seems like nothing but when you are high it is the most frightening thing in the world. i was really surprised at the incredible rush i got from the fear. it was ... to say the least ... really fucked up. i'm getting drunker as i type so it's getting more difficult for me to remember exactly how i felt. incredible, i guess, could work.

today i went to the west side of the city to my cousin kims new house on inglewood. we got there an hour late, but with cute gifts, so it balanced out nicely. me and laura played with skye, and some kids named justin and ryan the whole time. justin is going to be a total lady killer when he gets older, and ryan, while demanding for attention, really made my day with his laughter. but laura did a much better job than i did, and i felt pretty stupid for feeling intimidated by four year olds. i've really never had any experience with kids, and i dont know what i'm supposed to do with them. i dont know.

my favorite part about kims new place is the proximity to the airport, so the planes fly real low overhead. my least favorite thing is how white my family is. the entire time all i heard about what how bad the neighborhood was. honestly, it wasn't a bad neighborhood at all. i think they thought that it was bad because not many white people were around. but whoever lived there, no matter what color, seemed affluent enough not to pose any immediate threat. my dad talked of stray bullets and my uncle of wearing armor to go for a walk. honestly its riciulous. i tried to talk about it but felt like a spoiled sally, so i stopped myself.

anyway, afterwards my dad showed me the neighborhood, because it was the area that he grew up in. it was really cool, mostly because i loveeeee spending time in the city. we went to uncle genes farm, chili ave, lozier, 184 glide, maplewood and lower and upper high falls. it was cool till i got car sick.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:21:52 GMT

i'm still feeling really down.

i had a rough day yesterday for no particular reason. i just felt it fit to cry for about three hours.

thats a lie, i had a reason.

anyway whats on my mind now is ithaca
and whether or not trina and mike can go
and how stupid i acted last night
and how i'm going to break it to laura that i dont have enough money, and i'm sure trina and mike won't either, to go to one day of grassroots.
and what if i ruin her weekend?
and fuck, fuck, fuck, dads cancer.

i swear to god if this turns into something worse, if cancer kills him, too ...

i'm not really sure what i would do.

ugh =/
it's going to be another rough day.

more...

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:20:24 GMT

there's more i've got to say.

number one, i completely REFUSE not to get in fights with people who have been in my life a little too long.

i always seem to take my relationships and tear them apart once they've run their course, and in some cases, very prematurely.

there is a reason i am not friends with everyone who i am not friends with. i have either gotten in a fight with them, ended the relationship badly, or talk massive amounts of shit behind their back.

i really don't seem to get alone with anyone. which is, honestly, whatever. i guess i'm impartial to the idea. but i got this sneaking suspicion that i'm just going to go through and plow everyone out of my life because "i dont like this about him" and "i dont like her because that" and weed out everyone until i'm all alone, and then the only one i'll have left to dislike is myself.

uh. i dont remember what else i had to say..

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:08:23 GMT

i'm either feeling very down right now, or just very tired.

the past couple of days have been either absolutely thrilling, or downright shitty.

thats not true. the days have been good, but there have been some shitty times squished in between them.

i've been enjoying the good times, like getting drunk at the beach and building the raft (and finally coming up with an idea for my portfolio!), getting nick to my grandmas and hanging out with my cousins, wrestling in the basement, playing risk, or rather, watching others play risk, and getting my new apartment and seeing ani difranco

and enduring the bad times, like the part where laura has lyme disease and dads cancer might be coming back ....

ugh.

the bad times are rough.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:28:00 GMT

stuff and things, stuff and things...

ive been continually busy.

the summer started out with me painting my room. it took layers upon layers to cover up all the "CUNT"s and "FUCK"s and .... well i dont even remember what was up there anymore. thank god.

and now all i want to do is clean and organize and make everything look nice. we'll call it nesting but without the being knocked up part.

after that i spent my days trying to balance my time between dogs, best friends and boyfriends, family, sisters, sisters dogs and boyfriends dogs, rich white people and poor black peo..... no, there's really been no black people lately.

anyway shortly after finishing my room i went to new york city with my roomate (who ended up acting like a child the entire time) and my sister, and watched yvonne graduate. have i written about this already? she's going to brazil with a nice blind woman with a sexy translator. actually, ive got some pictures of her in her new home waiting to be opened in my email ....

anyway after that i went on a road trip with ashley, anthony and myself. ohio, michigan, illinois, iowa, missouri and back. we got sunburned while smoking a joint in a lake in michigan, went to a farmers market in illinois, and dealt with the most ferocious nasty little bugs on the mississippi river. pictures will come with time.

then i went to blue heron with erinn and wanted to sleep the whole time.

it kind of reminds me of what adam told me a few weeks ago. i always catch myself saying "i want to go home".

now i'm home and spending the day with myself and my dog.

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:33:23 GMT

i always sit down, write half an entry, get distracted and delete it.

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:44:25 GMT

i'm tired. two blunts and a whole lot of madness make for a tiring day, both physically and mentally.

we spent a lot of the day in the van. the guys were younger than i thought. everyone seemed younger, and the whole scene seemed familiar. they said everything i've heard before, and we did everything i've already done. i didnt like it.

mostly i dont like bumping into people that i don't want to bump into. my reaction pissed me off. what the fuck am i doing?

ugg.

Sun, 10 May 2009 16:04:50 GMT

i wake up this morning and roll over to see that the room is trashed.

the chairs are in the center of the room, tipped over on their sides. puddles of water dot the floor. clothes are strewn around, my bed is askew, the screen has been ripped out the window and five floors below us dozens of books litter the grass.

we jumped on the beds, smoked under them, stood on the furniture, took our clothes off, and listened to "ruca" a hundred times over again.

when gabe pulled the bed out erin and i screamed, but aaron shouted at the top of his lungs "do what you feel!!!"

so we did what we felt.

the beginning of the night found me and aaron sitting across from each other. i was the only one tripping and i stared at the concrete as it swirled around like amoebas. we went to the park and gabe tried to step out onto the water and screamed when he found out that it was real. we climbed trees and ran back and fourth and crawled all over the museum like the world was our playground.

when we went to bed the birds were chirping.

Fri, 08 May 2009 06:19:33 GMT

its 2 am, but i'll to update this in the morning because my internet is down.

i've been drinking a little bit, and, as alcohol is prone to do, i've been thinking, and suddenly everything is so much more willing to be spilled.

i've got a lot on my mind. let's be completely honest here. this is whats bugging me.

megan.
called me names
because i was weak
but what she does now is her own business
and if she is weak now, it is her problem
but if i am going to continue to improve myself
i've got to surround myself with positivity
and she is not part of it.
i won't ask, i won't doubt
i am justified in ending our friendship.
(even though she doesnt know. lets just let it go naturally)

frank.
what does one do when one does not value his friendship, nor find any beauty in him as a person?
on the one hand i've got to get along with him so we can have fun next year, and at blue heron
but, shouldn't i be straight up about it? i dont want to be his friend, simple as that.
i dont like the way you treat others, i dont like your ideals, and i dont like your personality. but i have to potentially live with you next year.

where do i draw the line, and where do i grin and bear it? i'm stuck.

i've got so many questions without an easy answer. i keep looking around for advice but wherever i go i realize that its all up to me. i think i am doing the right thing. i am going to associate myself with positivity, and keep every moment a moment as a step forwards. frank and megan do not make me a better person.
if anything, they make me miserable
let's keep it real, its not worth it.
i've got better things to do

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:03:37 GMT

first of all, my apologies for being a big negative nancy. i'm going to be more optimistic, because it's sunny out and schools almost over.

i just got out of CWP. all semester its been the class with the biggest work load, and i'm finally finished with all the essays and annotated bibliographies and journal entries and vocabulary packets.

and so i'm walking out of class and the wind is blowing. if buffalo has taught be one thing it is to tolerate the wind. i used to hate wind because it was just so annoying and persistent and useless. now i walk and just sort of let it blow, because that is what it does.

as i'm walking i see signs up for donating blood. i've never been able to donate before (sickness, tattoos, perpetual menstruation, ect.) and i think that today is my opportunity.

maybe.

i might just smoke weed instead.

but maybe.

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 05:34:47 GMT

i kind of feel like balls.
my roommate has been a huge bitch. i got a 30 dollar parking ticket. i'm stressed. i'm poor. i can't get over how much i hate this school and the administration sometimes. i'm bored, i'm lonely, and i just want to sleep. but if i do erin will bitch some more.

for once i'd just like to go to sleep in the dark, and in the quiet. and i'd like to wake up and turn the light on.

a few days ago i found out pretty much everyone has a problem with me. frank doesnt like me (which actually doesnt bother me at all), but his friends don't either, and gabe and janelle have a problem with me, and erin has a problem with me, and those girls on the seventh floor have a problem with me. and i just keep fucking up. or, they keep fucking up. or, we just don't get along. i don't know but somehow i've made this year the biggest failure ...
what does this situation say about me?